Anniversary 

​I keep starting my posts recently with- “Sorry I haven’t posted recently”  or words to that effect. Once again I have the same apology to make, but truth be told life hasn’t actually been all that bad.  I mean, sure,  there has been some bumps in the road, obstacles to climb etc but on the whole, pretty good.  I suppose it has also helped that I’ve been so busy, I haven’t really had the opportunity to think about my issues.  
But… And there is always a BUT. There is one thing that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, and I can’t help think about it more and more as days progress.  So this is, that. I cannot remember if I’ve ever mentioned the death of my grandmother before, and the impact it had on but yeah… 
 Long story short – I was 12, she was my best friend, we were inseparable. She was diagnosed with cancer the evening of my Mother’s wedding. My grandma kept it a secret even from her husband because if my mum found out she probably wouldn’t have gone on her honeymoon. My grandma told only one person, that person also had to keep it a secret. That person was 12 year old me. It killed me when I found out! But I remained strong for her, and yes kept it a secret.  From the date she was diagnosed, it was only a month and 3 days till she passed. 
That’s the story in short. I visited the plot where my grandma’s ashes were spread a few times when I was a kid but I haven’t been in years! I think the last time I went was when I was around 15, which is 5 years ago.  I don’t know why but I just can’t bring myself round to visiting.  I really can’t explain why.  I’ll plan to go, but when it comes to leaving…. I bottle it and stay home.  
I feel like terrible, I feel as if she’d be ashamed of me because of it. But I just can’t do it. It eating me up inside! 

I’m too young! 

So this is a little story about a section of my day! Barring in mind I am a twenty year old man and these things occurred within the space of an hour…  
So as I was hobbling down the road,  some old fella walks beside just as I’m about to cross the road. (Now it was busy and I couldn’t move very fast so I was being careful)  he said “You alright there mate”  

To which I replied ” Not really but I’m use to it” 

Then the cheeky fucker said “Do you need a hand getting over the road” 

I’m like “NO!!!  I’m twenty,  I shouldn’t be getting assistance crossing a road.  It should be me doing that for you” and then I added “Fuck I’m old”  
Part two was as I was clawing my way on to the bus,  this bloke saw I was in pain, he stood up(he was in the OAP seats) gestured to chair for me and sat closer to the back…  How bloody embarrassing!!! 

Setting the Record Straight

Recently, I have been getting mail from a couple of people that follow this blog giving me advice on how to make this more popular. They told me that they like the stuff I write because it is honest etc and I am true to myself. The advice I was given was to focus on one topic and roll with it- instead of posting at random, like a do. I needed a theme.

 

Now, I value and appreciate the advice etc I also am honoured that you like my posts. However, I do have a theme to this blog.

The theme of this blog is My Mind. This blog is just a window to what’s going on in my head.

So yeah, sometimes a song, a poem, things that make me happy, things that make me sad. Overall these things make me.

Define love! 

What I am about to share with you is sort of a revelation.  I was messaging my other half earlier- just letting my heart do the speaking and I wrote something that I came to realise was my definition of love.  It’s short but sweet and I just wanted to share it with you.  

You’re the strings to my guitar! Because without you I’m nothing! Just wooden and hollow! But together, bonded! We’re beautiful!

Roar(Parody) What Katy Meant to Say

Just a bit of fun and completely irrelevant… Parody Lyrics to Roar by Katy Perry – written by me 2 years ago. 

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

I like pain and like risking death 

So I sit quietly, judging society 

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

No one told me that I had a voice 

I stood for nothing, so pfft 
[Pre-Chorus:]

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)

I just wanna,  be tied up  

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

You only nag when I’m around

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)

This is getting a bit too rough

I see it all, I see it now
[Chorus:]

I got the eye of the tiger,  by survivor, dancing through the fire

‘Cause I am a champion but I’ll still get burned 

Louder, louder than a lion

I guess that I’m lying and I’m just a whore

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Because I am just a whore
Now I’m floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee,  Muhammad Ali 

I went from zero, to minus zero
[Pre-Chorus:]

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)

This is still far too rough 

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

People say I dress like a clown

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)

My wrists hurt this is rough rough rough 

I see it all, I see it now
[Chorus:]

I got the eye of the tiger,  by survivor, dancing through the fire

‘Cause I am a champion but I’ll still get burned 

Louder, louder than a lion

I guess that I’m lying and I’m just a whore

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

(I am just a whore )

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

(I am a whore)

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Im just a whore…
Who-ore,  who-ore,  who-ore,  who-ore, who-ore 
I got the eye of the tiger,  by survivor, dancing through the fire

‘Cause I am a champion but I’ll still get burned 

Louder, louder than a lion

I guess that I’m lying and I’m just a whore

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

(I’m just a whore )

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

(I am a whore)

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

This is what I thought 

Clarification

I know that I post a few songs or lyrics that I have written just to share to the world. I understand that if you do take the time out and read them, obviously they might not work due to the fact a tune is not present. The tune that my lyrics work to, exists and was formed in my head.

 

I would like to invite you and fellow bloggers or overseers of my ‘Online Mind’ to try and put a tune to it yourselves. In a way I am asking you to make my lyrics and artistic views, your own. I don’t do this because I want fame and money. I love my life. I don’t need that crap. I do this for my own self comfort as well as that I am doing this for you, the public.

I AM DOING THIS FOR people also subject to depression- I know how you feel and I am here to help you.

I AM DOING THIS FOR the strangers in the street that you pass who feel alone- but when you are online and writing etc you are neither alone nor in a community. You are only how you view yourself.

I AM DOING THIS SO  I can make a difference. I don’t care if I end up writing 100 songs, 9,000 posts. I just hope in time whoever, wherever- somebody sees this, reads this, understands this.

 

At the end of the day I could be doing this blog for 30 years. In that time if I am able to make one person feel less alone or smile, laugh, even happy. Then this blog would have achieved its purpose on the internet.

Will

**Below is the start of a song I am trying to write. It is by far finished however, I am quite happy with what I have done so far and I think I good to say that I want to share it. There’s not much of a synopsis, the song truly speaks for its self. The only reason this song exists is because when I look at it, it gives me determination. Enjoy**

 

He’s 6’1, with blue eyes

His whole life, he’s tried and tried

To make it to the top

He gets so near, then he gets stopped

He’ll get beaten down, he doesn’t care

He’ll push the boundaries, he will dare

He will get to where he wants to be

Eventually.

And not a single person upon this earth- will stop. ME.

I am me

Can’t you see?

That selfishness courses through my veins!

And if you believe I’m a failure, a quitter, a pathetic excuse for a man…

Then pull up a seat, grab some snacks.

I’ll show you..

What I can..

Be capable of… and…

I will begin, building from bedrock,

Build my way to the top

I’ll make like the seed of an oak tree

With time, love, patience and wisdom,

Surviving forever, standing strong

Will be me.

I’m gonna live life, step by step

Gonna do what I do, it’s what I do best

I’ll no longer be naive, singing clichés to a tune

I’m gonna wear my heart on my sleeve.

Hi…. 

Erm for people who take notice of my blog I’m going to apologise for not posting recently. There is no excuse other than I’ve got nothing to say- well I’ve got loads to say,  but words just aren’t forming. I have tried writing but I’ll get a sentence into the post but nothing seems to be working. I feel like some of the words I am writing don’t convey how I truly feel.  

But I’m working on it…
In other news I have opened up a new blog! Every post is from me to my girlfriend,  they are just thoughts and feelings I want to share with her. 

And then when I’m not about, she’ll be able to log-in and read those happy memories. 

Check it out ;

http://letterstomysolace.wordpress.com

My Solace

It’s time! 
It’s time I stop calling myself focused and mature. 

It’s time I know act on it. 
I was stupid to see that the girl that I truly love,  somebody who has always had my back.  The most loyal girl in my life! I never gave her enough credit and I manned up.  
This girl is my SOLACE. 

This girl gives me peace. 

She makes me a man

The man I’ve wanted to be 

The man she needs

The man I need to be. 

Emancipated 

This perhaps might be an extremely weird post for you guys to read and/or understand,  but I’m going to try and explain it. 
So today (2nd September) I had one of the worst things happen to me. Something everybody fears.  I had my heart broken, destroyed,  decimated, obliterated- the thrown back at me on a plate. 
So yeah I’m distraught –  duh!? 

I’ve cried a bit – boo hoo 

But I’m so happy! 
Prior to me falling in love, I wasn’t exactly a very nice person,  always rude and sarcastic. Somehow she managed to change me,  I was nice,  I felt lighter and brighter I loved it….  But now, now this has happened – or whilst it was happening I felt that cruel me sneaking back, Horrible Ashley was coming back…  
I’m not going to lie,  I wasn’t nice to her.

I made rude, hurtful and snide comments but it felt good,  not just because it upset her(oddly I hated that bit)  but because I think I realised who I should be… 
I’m not changing for anybody. 

People can take me as I am

Love me

Hate me

Laugh with me 

Cry with me 

I am me. 
So in conclusion to my sorrow- I’m glad it happened.